Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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