so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Randomize
