quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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