I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
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