Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
