If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Randomize
