Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
