My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
