make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
