I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
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