this just has baby written all over it
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
It's official drugs can't kill me
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Randomize
