she kept yelling 'call me bella'
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
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