So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
