she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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