First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize