wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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