I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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