I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
