when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
Randomize
