I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Randomize
