he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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