I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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