Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
