Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
I am midnight drunk by noon
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Randomize
