My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
