I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
