The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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