this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
