He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
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