I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
