we have pet lesbian snakes
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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