i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
