I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
