I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
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