This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
