if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
