She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
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