I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
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