Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
