I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
Randomize
