I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
Randomize
