I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
