I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
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