1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
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