smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
