His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
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