This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
