so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
