Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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