i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
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