So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
