Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
how drunk are you?
Several
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
Randomize