If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Randomize
