please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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