a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
