I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
I am one with the molecules
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
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